Home » addiction » “I hate this guilt I still carry”

“I hate this guilt I still carry”

As I talked about in the previous blog “Death made me an Orphan” I was going through a lot of emotions writing that. I feel as the time gets closer to the anniversary of my father’s death, I feel myself starting to get anxious. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach up to the gathering of tears in my eyes, I still do not understand why I still feel this way. I mean it was a huge blow to me the day the Doctors came in and told me and my family that my dad, my hero the man who was supposed to guide me through life and shape me into a man, was brain-dead and there was nothing more that could be done. I remember feeling so angry I almost knocked the Dr. out I felt this overwhelming emotions of rage, sadness, grief, confusion and above all disbelief. Now some could argue that I was not a kid with just turning 18 but I would disagree as I just turned the “adult age” but that was a time I needed my father to mold me into a man. I need guidance I needed to be shown how to live as an adult from a male perspective. How could this be ,my dad is gone forever? now with it coming up to 17 years of his death I find myself reverting back to the day at the hospital. I think this time is going to be even more of a challenge for me since I no longer have that “friend” to help me throw the hard times, yes, I am talking about my buddy Alcohol since we are no longer friends I have to deal with this on my own. I can not tell you enough of how scary that is for me, these past 8 months of sobriety have had some challenges but nothing will compare to this one. I thought I was “OK” and “over it” that is where I started to not respect this disease and I forgot how powerful it truly is. That this is a huge moment of weakness for me and I need to be very careful as the time approaches be aware that my addiction is just waiting in the dark shadows waiting for me to forget about how strong it is. It just wants me to let my guard down for one second to come in and take me over. For the last 16 years I would drink a lot just before the dreadful date and get completely annihilated on the day of, this is the first time since my father’s death I will be sober during. I am jumping ahead of myself I know one day at a time but I always have to make myself think of being sober through this, that is how I remind myself of how strong I am. All I have ever wanted the last 16 years was to have a conversation with my dad even if for an hour, I need to tell him so many things that I have carried all this time. Sure I could talk to him and I do but it is not the same to me I am talking to myself, that is where I struggle I need to hear him say he forgives me and he still loves me, I need to feel his large hands around me embracing me in a giant bear hug, I need to hear his voice and laughter. With out those things I feel empty I do not feel complete and I still carry tons of guilt, people tell me all the time “You know your dad loved you” ” You know your dad would forgive you” my response to that is “How”? maybe it is the belief I talk about I just can not accept this in my heart. My father was not a petty man by any means so I do not think he would hold that against me, however the last thing I ever said to him was “fuck you” there is no way on earth I can just think to myself “eh, its fine he does not care about that” if I maybe refused to take out the trash maybe but not something this harsh. I have been trying for years to come to the terms that what was said was said and nothing can be done about it, I try to not live in the past, I try to tell myself that I was a young dumb kid. None of that makes me feel better nothing anyone could ever say can make me believe that it is all peachy and roses. I realize that this is a huge thing for me to get past believe I am trying my ass off, this is the first time I have ever spoke in this much detail about my feelings about my father in a public sense, actually there are only a handful of people who truly know. I live with the shame and guilt for my mother loosing her house after my dad died, because instead of me pitching in and being the man of the house I choose to self wallow and drink myself into a stupor along with being stoned 24/7 I should have done more for my mother she sacrificed everything for me and my baby brother and all I did was drown all the pain away. I blame myself for my mother’s death because had I been there for her she would not have had to turn to Alcohol herself would have never gotten Cirrhosis of the Liver maybe should could have had a better more comfortable life. Instead I went off locked myself in my head for years and self destructed. Again no matter what is said I can not shake these feelings and I fear that they are going to take me over again. I refuse to ever be that person I was I have to mend things by being there for my wife and kids, I still fear it in the back of my mind which means my addiction is poking through just enough to make me doubt my ability and to bring all the pain to the front. I knew going into this journey of the new healthy me I would have a lot of shit I would have to deal with for the most part it was fairly easy. So I thought I guess this was just waiting in shadows. I have a lot of support and tools I use on a daily basis’ so I just need to keep those close. This next week I fear will be the biggest challenge I have yet to face I have to do everything in my power to stand up to this illnesses I own and confront them head on. I am terrified in doing so because facing the fact that I will never ever be able to talk to my father for the remainder of my life is more painful than anything that I could ever do to myself the fact that I never told my mom that I blame myself for her life after my dad died will also be carried with me. I am very aware of the damage that my Mental Illness and Addiction can do to me especially now I guess I will need to keep that front and center of my brain as I try to get through this next week. I do not think I will ever stop wishing my dad would come visit me in a dream  ever dream I have had with him he has never spoke, most of the dreams are him coming back that he was never dead. I have had this reoccurring dream for over a decade. Now I am having the nightmares about it all over again, I have heard from so many people saying that loved ones visited them I wish my dad would come to visit me in my sleep just to say “hey dude its cool” I guess by this wish I am just hurting myself a little each time, or I am setting myself up to fail. Either way I do know one thing, that love and admiration I have for my parents will always be strong in my heart, no matter what I know deep down they love me. Just wish I could hear it one more time.

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4 Comments

  1. Jenn says:

    Punishing yourself for the rest of your life isn’t going to change a thing, my friend. Write them each a letter. Put those letters in a safe place. Perhaps with a picture of them. Go back to them and re-read them from time to time. Please understand things are the way they are, and that’s out of your control at this point. How you live your life day to day today IS in your control. How you and Erin are as a couple, how you raise your family, how you want them to have happy memories as they grow older. Not the memories you had growing up. I’m not speaking I’ll of your parents. I’d never do that. Use this opportunity to make yourself stronger, not a moment of doubt or weakness. You know who your strong family and friends are. We’re here for you. Big Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. How do you get that facebook share like plug in? I am starting my own WP page. suboxoneadvice.com. Any help would be great. Thanks Kyle. No this is not spam.

    Like

    • JrHamel says:

      Hey Kyle,
      So it is a widget for the sidebar you can do this
      Go to your side menu in MY SITE
      Click WP Admin
      Select Appearance
      Then click Widgets you will see a ton you can choose.

      For the actual like buttons
      Click on Settings
      The select Sharing
      In there you can set up all of your social media and pick which Share buttons you want. Once you log in all of your social media sites and verify them you can scroll down to the bottom of the screen and see all of the icons. Place them in the ‘Active” or “Non Active” sections. Hope this helps man let me know if you have any other questions you can email me at jrhamel919@gmail.com thank you for the read –JR

      Like

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