As the day of the 17 year anniversary starts to approach I find myself in a battle, not that I am going to go off the deep end. More of being scared because I have never had to deal with any feelings regarding my father’s sudden death. I always had the escape of a drink or a drug. Which is the unknown for me of how am I going to deal with it? That is a scary question, of course I have all the confidence in the world in myself that I am in such a better place than I have ever been before in my life. Which I think has a lot to do with the fear because I see how hard I worked to get where I am all the pain and I had to endure to get here. I never want to go back in time and be the person I once was, I understand that I will never be that person just on the simple fact that I don’t want to be. I am not going to do or be something I do not want to be or do. I wish there were better words to explain the full impact of how I feel so that others could understand that it is not a matter of positive thinking, that only carries me so far. I really need to work here I need to face everything that I buried for the last 17 years I have to face it alone. Even though I have a very wonderful supporting wife and family/friends I still have to go at this alone because I am the only person that feels the way I do. I don’t even know what I feel which is why its hard for me to write it, for so long I blocked it out of my mind. For the first time I since his death I believe I am actually grieving which I never did. I ignored everything I felt drank it away, and deflected my anger into other aspects of my life. This time around I am doing the complete opposite just in me writing my blogs about how I feel is a million steps forward and will be in favor as the day gets closer. I decided that when the day comes how ever I feel I am going to validate that and not try to make an excuse for how I feel. I am not going to shelter my feelings, ignore them or hide from them. I am giving myself permission to feel this may not be the past piece to my puzzle of torment but it sure is a big one. By me facing what I have not for so long will only push me further in the correct direction, in the long run I will look back and be proud of how I manage to face a loaded gun and not get my head blown off. I am enough tools and support that I am not worried about a relapse not even on my mind, well its on my mind but not for a plan its on my mind so I continue to respect the power of my Addiction and Mental Illness I will never let myself forget how much control that can take over me if I let my guard down. Every second I remind myself that I need to respect these diseases and know that if I want to stay stronger I need to continue to work hard. Eventually it will be second nature and I won’t have to work as hard but for now in my first 2 years of recovery I need to. That is my main defense and will be the key in me staying stronger than my illnesses and getting through this extremely hard battle I am going into. I think of the day as my title bout so I am mentally preparing may sound silly and extreme but my addiction is extreme and ruthless. So I have to prepare set a what I like to call “The JR Plan’ always have 3 outs in any situation I feel may pose a potential threat to my recovery I have 3 outs at all times. If one of those means that if the day itself is too much then I will spend the day in bed if I have too and give my self permission to do as, however on the condition that I revisit where I left off and continue to work through and process my feelings. Like I said I am not ignoring anymore. Over all I know who I am inside and how strong I can be I am pretty ruthless myself along with being pretty damn resilient when it comes to these situations. I have determination to right my life and to live a healthy free of misery enjoyable remainder of my time on earth.
“When times get tough, its time to get tougher”