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“Still some head work to do”

Today I manage to make it to 9 months of recovery, which is so amazing and awesome. I do not feel as my addiction is a huge concern for me anymore, however does not mean that I do not respect it and keep it at the fore front of my mind. I am able to go to places where people are drinking and have it not bother me. I do not go to these places unless I have to I also always have a few plans of escape. The company I keep all know me and know if I say I need to go no one will give me grief about it. I am lucky to have the support I have but I also give myself credit as I choose the people I want in my life. I will never go into a situation not knowing what to expect or having a few plans of what to do, certain situations call not a non immediate retreat so there I have my “me time” plan. Where I will go somewhere like outside to my car and just re-group my thoughts, in my early recovery I never stepped foot inside of any place that I thought would be a concern for me. Knowing my diseases is key I know my triggers and now have the proper tools to think it through. I no longer relay on others to save me I save myself I have built up enough confidence in myself to be able to be put in any type of situation. I always say now I could be placed in a room full of booze with no consequences and I guarantee I would not touch a drop. Only because I found me I like me I love the fact that I can do so much and think clearly. I know where using will lead me and I will be damned before I ever do that to myself again. Granted I would also never put myself in a room full of booze either that is just not smart. I may have trust in myself but I do could never know the circumstances going into a situation so I just do not even plan on ever being in it. My other vice I do need to break and overcome is smoking I have been a cigarette smoker for as long as I have been an Alcoholic the two kind of go hand in hand. The verdict is out on what was better to do  quit everything at once or do it in steps, I personally believe it should be up to the person doing it. Sure many studies will suggest both sides but knowing yourself. For me I knew there was no way I could stop everything at once would have been setting me up to fail some people can do that I know me I know how my mind works. So my next challenge is put down the smokes I have a date in mind which also gives me motivation. Seeing how far I have come already in my Mental health and recovery I know believe I can quit smoking it is one of the most hardest things to kick. I have been doing it for 23 years and have had many attempts to stop. The true addict many times to stop many times failed, I will quit because I am getting sick of it no one I hang around with or on my wife’s side smokes, just me so that in its self is motivation along with I want to be around for my kids and want to break the cycle I have trapped in for my whole life.The only way I can do that is by leading by example to show my kids what I have been through and how far I have come how hard it was for me to get there. In the hopes that they see that as power to not get wrapped up. I realize my kids have a 50% chance of carrying these diseases so the more I work on myself and break my own cycle that percent will drop significantly no matter what the gene is in them just a matter of becoming active or not. To some degree everyone has some form of the gene in them our family histories are far to vast for this not to be true. Just a matter of it becoming a cycle or not. I am going to start the generation of my family not being in the cycle. Mentally I know I still have a long way to go I am still battling a lot of things just am more able to get through them, I may be in a shitty mood for a while but I will be sober. My nightmares came back so that makes my days really interesting if you are someone who has nightmares you understand it stays with you, I am not having my night terrors anymore thank God I hope they do not come back I will take the nightmares and really messed up dreams. I describe my dreams as being written by Wes Craven and Directed by Steven Spielberg they are that intense and creepy. In the same sense I re-assure myself in the fact that those horrible dreams are just a way of my mind getting out and processing through all the bad shit that has happen in my life. I used to spend a whole day in trying to break my dreams down and interpreting them in to my life to figure out why or how I came to that, now I just wake up say “shit that sucked” go back to sleep or get up for the day. Either way I try to move past and accept that I am healing which is always a painful process. All in all I am aware of everything which will make me stronger in the fight the power I need to get past all of the negative thoughts and feelings, I am making my future brighter every second of every day just takes a lot of time and work.


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