Home » addiction » “Living on the edge, standing on a ledge”

“Living on the edge, standing on a ledge”

From the time I took my first breath of air, I was set for a long life of battles. I come from a very long line of Alcoholics and some Mental Illness down my entire tree, with the exception of a few branches. Had I known the future of course I would have never took that first sip of Southern Comfort at the innocent age of 12. From that first sip to finishing the bottle I split with a friend I should have realized I was already pre-conditioned to becoming a career drinker. I never got sick I was very wasted but not one time did I get sick. I remember feeling a little rough the next day but not to the point to where I could not function. I played it off as I just did not feel well and my parents would have never dreamed I was hung over. It was a few years before I would hit that bottle that heavy but I did have a few beers here and there I learned how to hone in on my skills of hiding it and making the amount of booze in the house appear to be more than there actual was. See when ever I would be asked to go to the garage to get my dad a few beers, I would take double for me. I would stash them outside my window of my bedroom than once my parents went to bed game on. Well my mom closed our bar so she worked until 3 or 4 am but she never checked on me. See when I took my dads beer I would pull them closer in the front to appear there were more in the back, it took years before he caught on and started counting them.  By the time I was 15 I was a season drinker a pro my tolerance was so high at that point I could literally drink 8 beers and function perfectly. Again more red flags right? well not for me I did not know what an Alcoholic was everyone around me drank a lot I grew up in a bar to me that was normal. I was doing what I thought I was supposed to do, I was proud of myself when I would go to parties with my peers and they are yacking all over themselves after a few shots and here I was pounding down handles of Jack like its water. As I sit here and reminisce of my war stories not one part of me is going “huh that was fun” I actually feel sad for the younger version of myself. I was diagnosed with server depression at an early age before I started the party phase. I think I was 8 when I got officially diagnosed with depression. There were a lot of tell tale signs I was often withdrawn a lot was due to the traumatic experiences I was involved in as a youth. So once I found that sweet feeling of the booze that was my cure, so I thought as the years went on so did my drinking and in 98 after my dad died I went off the damn reservation  I lost everything that day, my soul left my body, my heart turned clod and black. My only purpose in life was to numb the pain at any cost. I start smoking so much weed that Cheech and Chung would have thought I was nuts. I would shovel snow in the winter to get money for drugs and alcohol, if I dd not have anything in my system from the time I rolled out of bed then look out I was an absolute prick. Which also added to the feeling of regret I now have with my mom, though I was never abusive to a another person or animal I did put a lot of holes in the walls, broke a ton of furniture, and destroyed many friendships. I was on a path of destruction and often times I sat  in my room with my Dad’s loaded 38. police special revolver that I took upon myself to inherit without the knowledge of my mother. I would sit there drunk and stoned out of my mind barely able to make it to the bathroom in my bedroom without knocking shit over or falling.  I take out all 6 of the bullets and would sit there with them in my lap adding one at a time spinning the chamber and putting it to my head. I never pulled the trigger (obviously) but the thought of suicide would never leave my mind, My life just seemed so meaningless to be t=honest the only things that stopped from painting my room with my sadness was my baby brother and my mom. I may have had a cold heart but it still loved my mom and brother more than anything. Sad to say those were not my only attempts I have had a lot none like the one in Jan 2015 that kick started me into a whole new happy look on life. I went for it for the first time in all my years of suffering by that point I was married with 3 amazing kids, so why the hell would that make me do something. I hear it all the time “you have a wonderful family” “why would you do that, I wish I had that” well let me explain why. When you have battled addiction and mental illnesses for as long as I have with the progression getting more and more server every year there is not a damn thing that could have been done except getting the proper help. I self admitted myself in the Pysch Unit at the hospital about a month before my dreadful attempt but only stayed 2 days and was self checked out. My thought was I need a break from the booze and weed for a few days I would be in control again. My mind was so gone at this point I am a diagnosed insomniac who went for a long time without sleep I was working insane hours at my job plus the substances I was using to get by. I was not taking my meds barley anyway. It is crazy to look back on my life and to feel like actually feel all the shit I tried to hide and stuff down eventually it was going to back fire on me. Through all of that though I will honestly say I have no regrets as far as the choices I made, sure I still share some sadness over some choices but overall no regrets on my life. I feel as I was meant to live through the things I lived through to do what I am doing today. Sharing with the world to help others who may be where I was, to give them HOPE there is a healthy way out. No one has to suffer for their whole life-like I did, well not whole because I am still alive and not suffering anymore. I made my 9 months of recovery and I am not stopping I am full force attacking all this negative bullshit from my past I will take every emotion head on no more running or hiding. I may never fully win this battle because it will always be a battle my disease never go away, but I will be on the winning side of my battle for sure. It will become less of a battle and more of a way of life, living healthy happy and sober, that is what I want so I am going to do it with the tools I continue to learn each day.

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