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Monthly Archives: November 2015

“Heavens Basement, Hell’s Attic”

It is hard enough to live in this world as it torpedoes down to the depths of hell, for so many of us people in this world we all battle our battles on top of it. Mental Illness, Addiction, Other Diseases, Medical Issues etc all play a factor and since we all have to deal with these without the proper care ot attention being provided to do the greed of the world. Now we have major attacks all over the place so for me I not only have the paranoid state of my own demons but I am on guard 24/7 of the other demons walking around.  Seriously what have we done to this beautiful world to make it into a living nightmare, like I said it is hard enough for people to battle their own personal issues but now we can not even go to a well populated event without some form of fear that some dipshit is waiting in the wings with a rifle or some form of IED the fear of this is what drives the addiction it numbs out the pain. For so many people who have lost loved ones during these cowardly acts my heart truly bleeds for them. I can only imagine the anger, hate and fear that can come from this. For what? because other countries do not like us? so you are going to kill innocent people? this makes no sense and sends only one message, that your beliefs are worthless and mean nothing. If you have a belief that another human should be killed for a cause then you have a really fucked up belief. I know I am going on a tangent here I have blogged about belief and how powerful it is, which is scary to think people out there truly in their minds believe by killing another they are actually doing a good thing. I do not get it, as a parent with my own personal issues I have more fear everyday but there is only so much I can do to protect them which is a terrible feeling, one I must come to terms with. No matter what I have to be OK with the fact that I can not be with the people I love 24/7 and watch over them at some point I need to trust that my wife has learned enough survival from me and that my kids are learning what they need to be safe in the future. I have to trust myself as a person that I am raising my kids with the proper tools and moral beliefs to care for others but not to be to trusting to all ways be on alert. It is a fine balance that needs to be made knowing who to trust and how much, my life experiences have taught me to not be trusting to anyone, I am a very friendly person who has crafted a skill of leading people to think I trust them with my life when in reality I barley trust them to water my lawn. This is something that will never be change in me no matter what I learn along the way, I did however learn how not to let these feelings of fear interfere with my daily life, I can go to public places I can do things meet new people. I will always have 3 exit plans anywhere I go I will have so many scenarios planned out every emergency thought of and how I will react to them. I have been called paranoid a lot in my life my response to that is. “I may be paranoid but I am alive at 35 I lived through being the only white kid in the heart of the hood in Detroit” Even that is an example even though I lived through negative experiences I to this day will put myself in harms way to save another human no matter what race, age, gender or creed, I believe in human lives which I believe is the best way to look at it. IF the entire world started treating everyone else like another human instead of separating them by what color they are or  what they had for lunch, then  this world would stop heading into a ball of flames. The whole moral  is hate is all around us there is not a damn thing that can be done, except live your life hate free try your best to help a fellow human maybe just maybe it will catch on and spread like water to put out the fire. We all eat, sleep and bleed so with caution be kind, the down side is there are many out there who take advantage of this very thing so caution does need to be aired. Life is all about balance…..

 

Dedicated to the Men and Women who lost their lives in the acts of Terrorism. The loved ones left behind my heart goes out to you.

Thank you to the Men and Women who serve our country and put their lives on the line to protect us from this tragedy.

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“Turning dreams into reality”

From the early beginning of my life I remember having every dream crushed, many of them due to the fear of even trying. The lack of motivation due to the fear I remember wanting so many things out of life but instead of driving towards them I flew away further from the possibility of them ever happening. Which in turn just made me feel even more down about myself then went my self-confidence so any chance of me attempting to even try for a goal or dream was not even in reality as the years went on I started to get more depressed about where I was in life and had so many regrets of things I should have done. I dropped out of high school after 9th grade I was asked to repeat the 9th grade and I was fed up with being held back.my parents were told that I was not going to be held back if I did the required curriculum which I completed barley but I did it. So that is one regret I wish I would have fought through all of these stupid disabilities just did something to graduate and go to college like a  “normal” person. Instead I worked a lot of jobs, My first job I was 13 I was a dish washer for a deli so the routine was drilled into me, instead of saving money like “normal” people I blew everything on drugs, alcohol. See it is easy for anyone that is not me to say well you can not dwell on the past whats done is done. However this is true to a point but forgiving oneself is the most difficult thing to do, I have over 20 years of regrets and self neglect to just get over it. I got so used to living in misery that not even my closest friends or family knew what was going on inside my head, shit I did not even know half the time, all I knew is I always wished I could strive for a better life I wanted something better every I did was never good enough I had to have better. No matter what I did in life I was never happy so I always thought if I did this or that then it would bring me happiness but never did. I am now learning that all of these feelings lives deep inside my brain, that I do have these diseases and disabilities and I need to learn how to make them work with me and not against me. believing in myself finding a way to curve it so I can have faith and hope to full-fill my dreams. One of which is to write a book which I have started then the negative thoughts of I am not a good writer comes into my mind again and again, a never-ending battle that I must win. I also have a lot of goals for Hope and Addiction just a matter of getting myself to get over the hump of fear and do it. I fear that I will launch this YouTube and it will fail, or my Podcast will go dead I am starting to doubt running this blog. The real truth behind my illnesses how they work I knew eventually they would come back. For some reason the fall/winter months have always been really hard on me no matter how much I try to fight it they come back harder than ever. This time around I do have an upper hand I am sober and have every intention to remain sober, that is my trick up my sleeve if I can stay sober through these months then I will beat this curse of my life. No matter what happens I just need to keep my eye on the prize trust those I let into my circle and maybe even open up a little more let others in. I have a great sober network I could be more involved but I still deal with trust issues opening up to people I do not know that well, or fitting in I still feel as though I am an outcast and do not belong nor deserve others people’s friendships. Going back to my dreams I will say I did complete one major dream I landed a job I always wanted to get into but never thought I could do it, I got it how not sure, it will push me further into the career I so desperately want in “Keynote Speaking” which is my true passion giving back and helping others. This job will support my family get us out of the horrible debt I put us in and get us back on the track or I guess a track period we have been on a muddy road for a long time. In any case everyday these next few months will be days I will use to get tougher and stronger, I know what I need to do just a matter of telling myself I am worthy of trying and going for it.

“Addiction is a cold blooded killer”

There are so many mis-conceptions about the power of addiction, the cold hard truth is it is a killer. I am speaking from a place of earning that another soul in my recovery circle lost their battle. When this happens you get a response of “that’s sad” “I can’t believe they did that” well that is the problematical way of thinking, that people with this disease choose weather or not to die or to live. It is a killer it twist your mind into so many knots and takes control puts a giant boot on the throat of the person until they die. So in yes it is sad but it is also something that needs to be made aware of and taken VERY seriously. For me personally I actually got a second chance this disease came very close in taking me out to close for my comfort. Sure I also have a list of Mental Illnesses I also deal with but so do %90 of the millions of Americans fighting this battle of addiction. I will never let myself forget  the power this illnesses can have over me if I stop doing the necessary precautions I do everyday. I have medication for my Mental Health which I take like my life depended on it truthfully it does,  going back to my using days I would make all of these modifications to combat to “control” my disease which is reality all I was doing was rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic was just a matter of time before I went down with the band. Now I feel I am in a place to where I can take back control how I do it is by doing what I need to so that I can remain healthy. I know once my mental state goes to shit then so do I, I am aware of what and how my disease react to situations and how I handle them. For example I have always since a young lad had trouble with change, mainly revolving around abandonment issues and major invents in my life that I was not prepared for.So by me knowing this I can prepare myself when change happens that I did not prepare for so when something comes up out of the blue I won’t dive head first in a bottle, instead I have many things that I put in place to keep me on track. I have certain exercises I do, not working out exercises more of  plans of actions. Things I know that work for that situation which have taking me the nine months I have been in recovery to learn about. It is all about knowing myself understanding my diseases but also never forgetting what the end result WILL be if I do not follow my plan of action. I will be %100 honest if I ever go back down that dark road I will DIE not might or could I know I will. May not be the first time out but I guarantee it will happen. I have a killer disease just waiting in the wings to attack, I am thankful that my disease is no longer doing one-armed push ups in the parking lot, it is pretty well-managed with some acceptation. I am not perfect nor do I have the answer to everyone’s recovery. I am just thankful for the time being I have found some healthy things that work for me, the key is I will not stop learning more and more I educate myself not only on my own diseases but the diseases in general.  After all I learned from a childhood cartoon that “knowing is half the battle” which stands true . Holding myself accountable doing the things I need will guarantee that I won’t die from this disease always respecting it understanding it and being very aware of it, will save my life. No other guarantee I can give myself since a bus can come from nowhere but I can do this one. The one main thing I tell myself everyday when I wake up is that night I will go to bed sober, even if I have to go to bed an hour earlier because of a hard day I will reach that goal.simple but very effective and powerful.

“A light shines through”

For over 20+ years I have been held hostage by my own insecurities and self afflicting behavior. I remember being so paralyzed anytime I was asked to go into a store by myself, the overwhelming fear of people were judging me or seeing all of my failures that I projected in my own head. I would tremble at the thought of having to socially interact with another person. For years  I spent locked inside my house for the fear of every time I left my house I would be jumped which has happen more than once. One time I was asked by my father to go to the store which was not far just through the alley and the next block over, I was on my way there when three dudes a little older than I was I believe I was 9 or 10. Then  followed me through the alley and one of than rushed me from behind once on the ground I had a gun in my face, the ice-cold steel on my forehead is a feeling I would feel for many years after. I was not only robbed but also got the shit kicked out of me, I was more worried about loosing my dad’s money and not getting him the stuff he asked me to get I went back home I had to sneak in my house cleaned my self up from all the blood grabbed my own money I would save from my weekly allowance and other random chores I would do for people. Then would go buy what ever I was asked I never told my parents what happen I would hide the pain and wounds, I am not sure why I hide it my parents were every loving and my dad would probably would have grabbed his gun and went after the guys. I still never talked about it I think that built the shame I carried After so many times of getting my ass kicked and threaten that I would be killed or my family would be killed I eventually just stopped going outside. Since my baby brother who is three years younger is severely handicapped I really did not have anyone to play with, so I became my own best friend. Playing cops and robbers with my Alf stuff animal I had or just watching Batman over and over. The times when i would get up courage for anything something always happen that would devastate me. Being told I was to stupid by a teacher after finally getting up the courage to ask a question in class.. To getting cheated on and lied to by many girlfriends to having my so-called friends rob and steal from me. These are the things I never dealt with I never talked about until now, I just drank and locked myself inside my head threw away the key. I pretty much gave up on my self before I hit puberty. I always wanted a better life and when things that were good happen I either was so wrapped up in the thought of getting burned that I would push them away or self sabotage myself. I guess I figured that if I dropped the other shoe myself self afflicted pain was easier this way I only had myself to blame. Well to be honest what a fucked up way to look at it, that is when I became a resident inside of a bottle and drank every negative thing away and the smallest thing would be the worst thing in the world to me my world was a small black hole and I got so comfortable there that I no longer wished for light. I adopted the darkness made it my home I welcomed pain and misery. I completely gave up on the idea of happiness. I abused myself for so long that I finally broke and almost ended it for good, then something amazing happen I lived my final suicide attempt did not work to the amazement of the team of doctors I was not only alive but walked away untouched. Then I started to see a glimpse of bright lights then I got sober I made a commitment to myself that I was going to live and I was going to live happy. nine months later still a ton of work to do but I am truly happy I see the light I live in the light I welcome the light. I never want to live in the darkness again for the first time in my life I trust the ones who are closest to me, I accept being loved without thinking I am only loved because people feel sorry for me or they want something from me, I can wake up and actually want to start my day I plan out my days my weeks I have an agenda , a schedule I stick to. I just got hired for a new career/ job which is going to be so awesome it is truly a blessing to land this amazing opportunity. I am now able to patch all the holes I left in my life, fix the path of destruction. I know and understand it will not be easy nor will be overnight the fact is I know I have to WORK for it. Good things are happening to me in my life because I want them to I am making them happen but continually working on me and keeping my mind healthy and my mind sober.The whole moral is do not wait for that big moment to happen to change your life, make the changes you want, you may not get a second chance not everyone does unfortunately, it’s a matter of what you really want out of life. I know it is so much easier for me to say now that I am on the other side, I firmly believe if the slightest ray of HOPE can shine through then anything is possible. It is all about the fight at first then it is all about maintaining what you built.

“Just hang on it will be OK”

In the beginning of my recovery I would have using dreams here and there, then they went away for a few months with just once in a blue moon. In the last two weeks I have been having relapse nightmares, to the point of waking up in fear. I came to the conclusion that my subconscious is so wrapped up in my being sober that I am in fear of a relapse. I do not have any intentions, cravings or urges just the fear. So I start to break down my dreams which I will refer to as nightmares just because of the torment I go through in these dreams. In my dreams it is always the day after a “relapse”  sometimes I am just so beside myself that I drank, and a lot of the time I am not sure if it is a real or a dream within a dream. So I investigate to find out what I did, in my dreams I have amnesia where I do not remember anything I just cry and have a break down. The last week it has been me being told to go back to treatment or me packing to go but still unsure if I actually relapse or not. I am pretty sure this is where the fear is coming from the dream is not about my relapse but more of a fear of the unknown. Since I have done so much to dramatically change every aspect of my life. I basically started over mentally and emotionally. So the unknown factor is huge for me, I feel that in a consciousness state I can handle the change to a point I still have issues with change, well major change. These dream are so real and vivid that when I wake up I feel 10 times more exhausted then going to the bed the night before. My mind is playing a wicked game on me I wake up sweaty with my heart pounding so hard I feel it is going to burst at every breath. I can say though I do believe that this is a normal process that I have to endure in order for my mind to heal, for my emotional state to be cleaned out. Fear is a good thing it will keep me sober in the real world the fact that I have come 9 months in my recovery and all the pain I had to espouse myself to the down right torture I endured to get here makes me fear of loosing it all. I refuse to give up on me I have fought so hard for my entire life and I am finally free I will be damned if I give that up for a drink. No matter what I have to face I remind myself of what it took to get here. That is airtight that nothing now a days could every stand up to, it was a long hard rough road I traveled. I just need to keep my eye on the prize and keep my focus on my recovery accept the changes that will be made so that I can remain in this whole new positive free way of living. I know I still have my “bad” days of high frustration just need to take my time outs re-group and kick it into gear. The brain is a funny and powerful tool that can be your best friend or worst enemy sometimes both at the same time, I feel the trick is to find a balance that works for me,, and others need one that works for them. Recovery is not generic and should be taught to those who enter it that they need to find their balance that works for them. What works for me may not work for others, the idea is still there but the fine tuning needs to be individualized like I always say it is all perspective I have come to the realization that in order to get to the route of the pain that drives me to drink and use I need to start at the beginning of it all, and live it all over again or just live and deal with it period. Without the aide or escape of a drink or a drug That is when the battle can begin it is going to suck and you will feel like your world is going to explode but I promise you if you can hang on it will get better. A message for those who are in early recovery or having a hard time, I am always available via email to help guide I do not know everything but I do have a good grip on the perspective.

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