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Harsh Reality!!!

You are no good, You will never make it, You will fail, You can never be anything, No one likes you, You have no future!!!

Do some of these sayings sound familiar?  I am sure you most likely heard them growing up, see most of us have heard these whether from a parent or peers. It is sad but it is the harsh reality of it, the worst part about these sayings is that even though they are just words they are words with long sharp ends that stick inside a child or adult heart stay there for a very long time, in some case forever. Many people who have had these horrible things said to them as a child grew up with one friend and one friend only addiction, then these very same things are being repeated to the person but not by the original culprit’s but themselves. I personally have experienced many of these growing up not from my parents but by others I felt were close to me. As I got older I became to believe and remind myself of these when ever I felt like I could accomplish something. I would never let myself fulfill any sort of dream in my life.The one person I always had by my side was my alter ego “Drunk JR:” see the problem with him was he was always there and I could always count on him to get me through the issues of my life, but he was also my worst enemy and the biggest asshole. See when ever “Drunk JR” came around the bad thoughts and feelings would disappear for that moment but after he was gone there was ALWAYS a huge mess I had to clean up and sometimes he left wounds I could not heal. See I spent my entire relationship with “Drunk JR” trying to repair all the bullshit he caused but for some reason I did not see the damage until it was to late,, I was left feeling horrible for the actions caused by my addiction, so what did I do when I felt like that? I would hang out with “Drunk JR” of course then the cycle would repeat and repeat for my entire teens and adulthood. There have been many times I would try to cut ties with my so called buddy I just could never bare the thought of never having him by my side it made me feel really scared and lonely the thought I would have to battle life on my own. Despite the fact I knew the other me was leaving a larger path of despair I still could not end that relationship. I started to hate everything about myself and my “friend Addiction” I just could not find a way out. Looking back on it now I feel more comfortable living the way I live now sober and happy. I choose to no longer hang out with “Drunk JR” I guess you can say I ended that relationship, but let me tell you I know he is there just waiting for me to have a moment of weakness to try and trick me into believing I need to activate my addiction. I will always respect my diseases and be aware of the power they have over me, if I forget for one minute how far I have come and where I have been, these diseases of mine came seconds from taking my life. I refuse to ever let it come remotely close to that I will do whatever it takes to remain healthy. I am sober today and my plan every day is to go to bed sober.

 

I know have an official email for anyone who would like to contact me privately.

hopeandaddiction@gmail.com

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Living on the edge of Hope

Since 1987 from the time I was first diagnosed with Server Depression, ADD and Social Anxiety, I had many challenges in my life since then those illnesses turned into Server Depressive Mood Disorder, PTSD, Server Anxiety and what most would not consider a Mental Illness but I do Addiction. growing up I have experienced a lot of traumatic events that I never processed spoke about or even acknowledged at 12 I found that Alcohol was the perfect aide in helping me ignore these issues. I fought my whole life with the thoughts of ending my life, that i would never be worth anything. I held on to Hope that one day my life would turn out and things would be OK. Well that did not happen nearly 23 years later and I was still living in  misery this time however all the pain from those years just kept adding up, my need to control my thoughts with the use of drugs and Alcohol greatly increased to the point to where that was the only time I was happy is when I was under the spell of a chemical. Fast forward to today I sit here 15 months sober with no chemical aside from the ones my Psychiatrist has me on for Mental Stability which I am not a fan of but I know I need the chemical balance of my brain to get even out, I do have Hope to one day not have to be on my meds. The biggest challenge I am facing right now is that I took away the one thing I thought I needed to keep me happy, since I choose to no longer hide from my past I have to live everyday with the reoccurring nightmares, images, and pain from everything I did not deal with. I said nightmares because for the last 5 months I have been having night terrors again they are getting worse. I know it is my mind trying to work out and purge all the shit from my mind that I consciously forgot about. I wake up in a panic and some days I am in full Anxiety mood for the whole day with Panic attacks coming and going, I am having thoughts and images of shit I do not even remember which naturally makes me feel like I am going fucking nuts. My perception of reality is all kinds of jacked up. For example- I was going to show my wife something on my phone that I thought was funny, she told me I already showed it to her and we talked about it for awhile making joke and what not, I do not remember this so I am freaking out which is causing more anxiety. I am fearful that everything I buried is to much for one mind to handle at one time and it is going to brake me down to nothing. Like most I thought once I got sober that it would be easier to live life, to a degree but this is becoming brutal I have no intentions of ever using at least not today and I can say tomorrow but I live my day for my day. It is hard when a person has so many things happen in their lives and they do not know who to talk to or what to do so they go to the next best thing, substances to get them through. See society looks at Addicts as people who choose to be drunks, or junkies but if you peeled back the layers of EVERYONE who has an Addiction I can promise you there will be some painful shit under there, people who have a Substance Abuse problem are not bad people they are just humans who are hurting badly and do not know how to help themselves or live with the pain. I have made it my mission to help those who I see suffering because I feel in turn it will help me to believe I am worth living and I truly am a good person to myself. The hardest person to trust in the world is ourselves, we let ourselves down all the time because we set our own standards to a level that can not be reached at that time,  Yes society does add the pressure of this but for the most part we are our own worst enemies or friendemies as the kids call it. It is easier for me to tell you to keep your head up, hang in there unless you believe it for yourself they are words. With that said it is also a good thing to keep telling people these things because they are encouraging and they give HOPE……HELP HOPE HEAL

Weakness can be strengths

Just like everyone I also have a lot of weaknesses, since I suffer from Mental Illness and I am an Alcoholic in recovery I face a lot of challenges. I found in my 15 months of recovery to accept myself for who I am as a person and not what I have as flaws. I learned and still am learning how to embrace my fear and weakness. I have had several times in my recovery where I just wanted to say Fuck it but I trusted myself just enough to get me through and to stop stop at the liquor store.Each time I have done that I gain more strength which turns my weakness into my strengths. I still have along way to go in the Mental Health recovery part but am making some serious progress. I have had a lot of traumatic events happen in my life at young ages, instead of me dwelling on the “If I only did this or that” I decided I would take those experiences and turn into power I can not control my past but I do have some control as far as my future. If I decided to keep going the sober path and continue to work on my Mental Heath than the odds of me having a livable happy future is most likely. However if I make the choice e to not do these things then I most likely be dead and or living a very painful life. Knowing that it not be easy at times and that I will still have situations that will feel out pf my control gives me hope that when these issues come I will be prepared to handle them. The one good thing I have learned to use to my advantage is one of my Mental Illness is PTSD which cause me to have horrible Anxiety which I also have, so if I can plan out or at least have a few plans for any situation then I feel safer and am able to get through. I accept that things happen and that I can not predict every scenario just peace of mind knowing what I am getting into. Everyone is in a different stage of life I truly believe that belief needs to start within for over 20 years I never thought I was good enough for anything, so I coasted through life being afraid of failure which stopped me for even trying. I no long have regrets well some I am still working on I am learning how to let go,  this would be one I do feel I missed out on so many opportunities that I might have succeeded in if I only believed in myself,. The only enemy I ever had in my life was my self. If someone pissed me off I can choose to not speak to them or leave the situation behind. If I am pissed at myself I am stuck living with that I have to live with myself 24/7 with no breaks. Which let me tell you I can be very annoying now that I no longer have the escape from drugs and booze I am forced to deal with myself. I will end on this advice, life is always going to be hard we can either choose to focus on the negative or embrace what little positive  we have in our lives and eventually we will become so used to being in a positive mind frame that life will not seem as hard.. I am always available via email or my FB page for anyone who needs a person to talk to, I am not the annoying try to control another life I cant even control my own but I am a great listener or in this case reader?

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