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Monthly Archives: May 2016

Wanting the world to stop spinning.

I personally have been in this spot, in fact almost 16 months ago I tried to leave this world and everything in it. I attempted to end my chapter of life it was by a miracle that I not only survived but walked away from it  with out any further damage. The opposite actually happen to me I used that experience to change my life for the better for good. I knew I had to do something since this was not my first run in with the idea or attempt at suicide I have gone as far as putting a loaded gun in my mouth pulling back the hammer, I obviously got some strength to stop there. The scary thing is that I did that 2 to 3 times a week, not a soul knew about this in fact this is the first time I am opening up about it. I feel I talk about my addiction  and that I need to be more open about my Mental Illness, see Suicide is a huge problem with it being the 10th most cause of death in the US and about 42,000 Americans die form suicide each year for every 25 attempts. Now you can do the math and its terrifying to me it makes me want to go and find every person who is struggling and help them. The worst part is that teenagers have the majority in this number. I was 12 when I first started having fantasy’s of dying and my first attempt at 14 when I was 18 my father died out of no where which my number of attempts and my thoughts came daily if not multiple times a day. My alcohol use went up to everyday all day my pot use was so much I can not even say how may times a day way more than i could keep track of. I will go as far as calling suicide a silent killer because no one knows until it was to late that a person suffered to that point. Some call it a selfish act but what they do not realize it is not it is the same as Addiction once the ball starts rolling it is damn near impossible to stop on your own. When it gets rolling it rolls out of control which takes the choice out of the person hands. Same with server depression and all the diagnosis to go along with it once that ball starts the mind gets taken hostage and the thoughts flood the brain so much that the feeling of being free is the only thought and for most including myself the only way I ever thought I could be free is to end my life. I have a wife and three small kids the thought of them never entered my mind I could not even think of anything I was so wrapped in my own pain it was like having a boat on my throat. I was completely held captive by my diseases that I could not find a way out without taking my life in my own hands. I remember my thought process like it was yesterday it was so easy never had a doubt I just down bottles of booze with a bottle of benzos never had a regret and I remember waking up in the hospital I actually thought I was dead, I remember being so pissed that I lived at first I knew I would have to take control and make some hard decisions that I was so afraid of. I knew I would have to face so deep dark traumatic memories and that scared the living shit out of me.After living through something like that then realizing that you know has to face it all without ever using a drug or taking a sip of booze was so far out of reach. I knew I had to take some drastic measures that is when I chose to go to treatment for 28 days. That was Jan 21st 2015 I have been clean every since, I wont say that I have never had a thought of dying because I have when shit got hard but the thoughts are not as intense and I worked out so much shit that I am able to think it through.I can see the bright side most of the time, what sucks is these damn night terrors that haunts me my sub conscious mind is purging a lot of shit;. so in closing I will say that there is Hope and there is a better way to be free, even though it feels hopeless it is not.

 

If you or someone suffers from suicidal thoughts PLEASE reach out…

call phone

Call 1-800-273-8255
THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE

Living on the edge of recovery

For the most part I feel comfortable in my recovery but I do have my days. Yesterday was one of those days, I had to drive in downtown Minneapolis and I drove by several patios where people where d…

Source: Living on the edge of recovery

Living on the edge of recovery

For the most part I feel comfortable in my recovery but I do have my days. Yesterday was one of those days, I had to drive in downtown Minneapolis and I drove by several patios where people where drinking. Now normally I just think to myself “HA glad that is not me, what a waste of time” However, this time I got super pissed at the fact that I could not partake in this activity. Even though I was stopped at a light and not even close to the people I could smell the booze I could almost taste it. I started to feel very angry and my mind frame transformed from “It is my choice to not drink” to a raging ” I cant drink, I have no choice, because I can not choose to drink” which is dangerous thinking and could potentially put me into a bad situation. I do feel sometimes I have a choose but I also feel that I do not, see I have a bad reaction when I drink called bad decisions and feel like the worst person in the world. Which is so messed up if you think about it why would someone who has these types of consequences want to do it? Why would I get mad over something that could very well kill me or ruin my life in so many ways? That is where addiction comes into play see my mind is all kinds of twisted my mind is help hostage by this grip of non sense. The fact that I have fought through these episodes so many times in the almost year and a half I have been sober really says something about me. I hear it all the time that my story is a true inspiration, or that my blogs have helped so many through hard times, that I paved the way for HOPE for people. Yet I do not see it that way, I do want to be an inspiration to others that is what drives me to stay on my path of recovery but I do not feel I am. In fact when people make a big deal out of my time of sobriety I am just like “yea, I guess it is good” giving myself credit for anything has never been a part of who I was or am today. I know I should pat myself on the back once in awhile and give myself credit for by-passing these urges, maybe one day I will. For me it seems the more time I get the more pissed I get I do not even think it is because I am not a person who is able to have a few drinks without it ultimately turning into a really bad road, I am pissed that I am who I am I am pissed that I have these Mental Illness (I include Addiction in that) why can I not be normal? Then in the same thought I think what the hell is normal? No one is normal there is no such thing as normal. Normal is what makes sense to the individual person not what others think your normal should be. So then I flip to being pissed that this is my normal I want someone else normal I do not want to keep dealing with this shit I just want to wake up one day and totally enjoy every second of my life without going in and out of depression, anger, worthlessness 100 times a day. I just want to be happy %70 of the time, I know there is no %100 and that is fine but I would like the majority of my life to be filled with joy and not joy with a huge downshift that drains me from all my energy and makes my head feel so heavy I just want to lay in bed under covers. I do not want to hide from life nor do I want to complexity avoid being in areas where people are drinking I will never be able to escape that fully so I want to be able to learn to live with these situations  without getting so angry and mad at the world. To be able to say ” Welp that is not for me” I do not feel that this is a huge request and I am always working towards this goal I am just exhausted from working so damn hard to climb a moving mountain. Everyone is different and how their mind reacts to situations mine just happens to do it in a really messed up way. All in all I will keep fighting one thing I have on my side and the positive about my mind is the OCD Anxiety which i use to my advantage by never giving up and refusing to loose continuously working on my self to be a better person. I do believe the harder I fight and the longer I fight eventually the fight will get less and less intense for me, it is all about HOPE and having HOPE and trust in myself.

Getting sober and being in debt

There are programs to help people find funding for inpatient treatment programs, and under the new Obama care work places HAVE to cover inpatient under insurance. With the average cost of a 28 inpatient treatment program costing about $25,000 and more if that facility includes an on site detox. It is not a cheap thing but by far an extremely important step that needs to be done for anyone suffering from Addiction. However what if your insurance only covers a portion and you are stuck with the rest of the bill, for example this is where I am I now am in debt for a cool $12,000 because my insurance at the time only covered a portion for some reason. I have gone through many changes since then and have worked on myself mainly my mental health which has taken a huge hit over the years.  With my PTSD acting up major since I am now and have been sober over a year now all the trauma from my past is coming back to haunt me. So now I have had to change careers and am currently in transition to a new job/career. This has left me in a financial pickle so I am in collections over this bill, I search and search for a program to help me solve this and I could not find one. So why is that? I am not the kind of person who feels any entitlement nor am I one who looks for hand outs, in this case I am trying to re-build my life and start out on a new slate I am the father and husband I want to be I am here and do all the right positive things I can to take care of  my family. I just do not see a way to get any further in our lives with this looming debt and being in collections will make it impossible for me to get my credit back up.The stress of this and other financial concerns are becoming more and more difficult to circumvent, my ability to keep a positive mind frame is getting harder to manage,. although I am not concern with my sobriety I will not say I have it under control because the truth is I will never it will always be there to destroy me the second I stop respecting it.  I do feel comfortable where I am in my recovery and can say I will not drink today and most definitely will not drink tomorrow  that is as far as I will go with that. So why is that through all of this stress and mind fucks am I able to find the strength to stay sober? Well simple because I know that is the only way to finally be free and fix all the damage that has been done Mentally, I know that I have to stay strong and fight everyday, I know the only way I will get me and my family where I want out to be is to stay strong and sober. I relay on something simple to get me through HOPE no matter what I have HOPE for my future and believe that my positive actions will bring positive results eventually. I have traveled through some very dark and lonely and sometimes terrifying roads to get to the place I am now I refuse to through that all away. How am I going to get this debt paid? I do not know but I promise you all this when I do I am going to take that information and turn it to Hope and Addiction and continue to help others get the resources I find. MY goal and what keeps me going is knowing that there are so many more people that are where I was once was and that they need help, HOPE that one day those people can be in a place where they feel comfortable in their recovery, HOPE just HOPE is that simple.

If there is anyone out there that has some resources please email me at…

hopeandaddiction@gmail.com

Also this email is used for anyone who needs some advice or just someone to bounce their thoughts or frustrations off of.

I would like to personally thank all of my followers and those who share, comment and support this blog. It is because of you ALL that I am able to do what I love to do.

JR Hamel

 

Hopeless, Worthless and Lost

The feelings of which are all to familiar to me, As I have lived with these feelings for my whole life. Up until little over a year ago I would numb these thoughts with the over use of Alcohol and drugs.now that I am chemical free I am facing many of these feelings some of which I have never experienced to the degree of which they are coming. I am finding that I am going through tremendous anxiety and I can not explain why or what it is, a feeling of lost the thoughts of hopelessness. Why am I going through this? Why does life have to be such a fucking battle? Why can I not be happy? What is it that is driving me to the brink of loneliness? Why? just Why? questions that may never be answered questions I need to stop wondering or asking, again why? I have many tools in my bag to get me through these episodes but they seem to be lasting longer and getting more severe my head sometimes feels like it is spinning so fast it is going to fly off my shoulders. I get so many thoughts that it becomes so overwhelming I just want to hide under my covers I feel trapped everywhere I look anything I think I feel like I have no outs anywhere. My family financial situation is destroying me I feel responsible that I need to do something to help but I do not know what I can do. I know to the average person these all seem pointless or a waste of time to worry about or think about. I grew up hearing “Oh you are fine just get over it” I can’t it is tearing me down I feel so frustrated that I have worked my ass off the last 15 months to remain sober and work on my mental health but feel I did nothing sometimes, My mind just keeps flatting me anytime something positive happens I have to fight to keep the positive mind frame because my brain wants to find the bad shit inside of every good thing. Let me be the first to tell you it is exhausting with the anxiety feeling like I have a box of weights on my chest and every few minutes more and more weights get placed in the box. My eternal self feels like its jumping all over with 10,000 volts of electricity flowing through my body at rapid burst. My thoughts move so fast I can not even say what I want during these episodes because I can not connect my brain to my mouth, I can not slow the thoughts down to speak. I feel so overwhelmed that I just want to vanish from the earth. I never realized how broken I really was until I took away my only “coping” mechanism which really was just a deter-ant more of a giant ignore button I had at my disposal to use when ever shit got to real for me to deal with, or when shit got to overwhelming for me. The downside is that did not work AT ALL in fact it made everything 10 times worse because now I have all these years of pain, guilt and shame that I never dealt with which now I have to face. It is kinda like cleaning your house for 20 plus years but inside of putting all that shit away in its proper place you just put it into a closet and you just keep packing it in there. Then a day comes to where you have to move out, well now you have to open up the closet and sort through all that shit you stuffed away, some of which could bring up good memories, bad memories and some stuff could be painful to see. You do not want to deal with it but you know you have to, that you have to move on start fresh through out all the bad shit you do not need and organize the good things, learn new ways of storing your things instead of just shoving them in a closet somewhere and hope they just disappear on there own. No matter what they never go away and they will just keep adding up then when the time comes to deal with it just to overwhelming. This is where I am now I am sitting in the middle of a room surrounded by years of shit that I never dealt with I have more bad memories than good as of now I am being haunted “Literally” by the nightmares/night terrors, HOPE is what I hold on to that is all I have all I can control also I know that I will eventually  have to come to terms with the fact I can not change nor can I control anything that happen in my past, I can just do my best to accept who I am acknowledge my feelings and tell myself it is OK to feel.

Fear that lives deep beneath

Since an early age that I can fully remember I have always had an underline fear. It would go from one to many different types and form but mostly the fear of failing. For me the thought of failing was the ultimate disappointment to others, I feared failing and disappointing others so much it has prevented me from trying or taking risk in life. Which in turn makes me feel like I failed at life, it is a catch 22 for me if I try something and do it wrong then I failed if I don’t try something then I regret not doing it which is failure. During these last 15 months I learned so much about myself since I did not have the aide of my friend Alcohol to get me through my failings. I learned that no matter what happens in life I am who I am and I can control how I feel about myself, I will “fail” at many things in life but what makes it OK is that I never give up on them, so in turn it is not considered a failure because I continue to work on myself and correct the mistakes I made. For example: If I were to make something out of wood and it turned out way wrong or not what I picture, instead of me saying fuck it and give up I would just see what I did wrong and figure out what mistakes I made and fix them. The ability to change my way of thinking has been crucial in my recovery  because I now can turn my failures into accomplishments. It is never easy to change a way of thinking that has been instilled in me for 30 plus years but neither is changing a behavior that I have done for 25 plus years but I manage to do that. It is a challenge that I am willing to and refuse to let myself fail at I know why and what I need to do in order to stay sane. I still have fears I will always have fears the difference now a days is that my fears do not run my life I run my life I control my feelings and my thoughts to a degree, I can choose how I want those feelings effect me to a degree. Life is not an easy thing for anyone living but it does not have to be so detrimental it can be hard but livable.

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