Today is a day that I just want to be angry I am feeling very overwhelmed and frustrated with my life. From the outside some would look at me and ask what the hell to I have to be upset about my life for, I have a wonderful wife who is beyond supportive of me and three beautiful kids. Well to be honest that is all great I am proud of my children and beyond blessed to be married to my best friend, the feelings of frustration lie much deeper than that. In fact my anger goes back to my childhood from the second I was able to understand how life is supposed to work. See I always had a vision for my future and what I expected out of life but I did a great job fucking that up through the years. I envisioned having a family with a nice home and working a job enough job to be able to support my family, I take pride in my work ethics as I work very hard to ensure I have high standards for myself. The problem is I have the family I always saw myself having I just do not have anything else I do not feel as I can provide for my family as I am trying my ass off to do so, I just keep getting knocked down over and over again. Being an Alcoholic with pretty significant Mental Illnesses was not apart of my plan, then again it is not apart of anyone’s plan when they are younger. I know my past is 20/20 and wishing I could go back and punch my 12 year old self in the face before I took that first sip of SOCO does not change anything and will in turn just piss me off more. I have accepted who I am as a person but that does not mean I am not still super angry about it, with my Mental state being is a good place these last few weeks I thought I was finally getting to thew point to where the fight would not seem so hard, I would not have to fight my ass off from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed, fighting all of the negative feelings that I am a worthless piece of shit that should have never survived my suicide attempt. After taking another blow to the gut with being let go from yet another career adventure just makes the fight that much more harder, there are days where I look at my kids and feel so sad for them that they have me for a father, I mean this in the sense that I feel like I do nothing for them. Sure I play with them teach them life skills I am patent with them, I even coach my oldest tee ball team, I am very involved in their lives. I feel as I am not good enough to be in their lives and the same for my wife I feel I fucked her life up she is such a beautiful person with a big heart that she does not deserve all the shit I put her through. For her to constitutionally worry about me and my Mental state or my overall well being is not fair to her. I know I can not change how she will feel she has a big heart and truly cares I just wish sometimes I did not exist and that people would be much better off if I was not here to fuck their lives up. I do everything I can in my everyday life to fight these thoughts and to do little things in my day to make me feel worth it, I do a ton of work around my mothers in home fixing it up for her because she is also an amazing person and I want to be valued in my own eyes. Which I am afraid I do not feel that today I am taking a huge Mental hit today and am just mad at myself for the decisions I have made in my life, I open up some bills and did the math and it is so overwhelming that I do not know what the hell I am going to do does not mean I will stop trying but I am getting to the point to where I feel so stuck and have no way out. Every time a glimpse of Hope comes it gets taken away just like that we started getting to the point to where we can get back on our feet an put of no where I get let go, now I am back unemployed looking for yet another job not knowing what to do. Today I am mad I am angry at not only myself but at life, I know it is unfair at times but why the hell am I always being push to the brink? Why can I not just breathe with out gasping for air every few minutes? Why ? just Why? in no way I feel as I should have this amazing no stress life that is ridicules to want but I would like to wake up go about my day with a smile on my face and knowing in my heart that what ever happens I can get through it with more of an ease,, not in the detrimental way it has been happening to me. My entire life since I could remember I have never felt true happiness in fact the last three weeks when I started my new career my wife even told me she has never in the 15 years we have been together seen more in a happy mood that my Mental Health was in such a great place. Truth of that is that I can not recall a time in my life where I was truly happy for that long of a time. I think me wanting to live a full happy life is not to much to want I am not asking to be a filthy rich person with no issues, I just want to find who I am and be happy with that. For so many years the thoughts of not wanting to be on earth anymore has haunted me when I sleep and awake I can not escape it and now that I am sober I really can not escape these feelings, angry that I am an Alcoholic with such a broken mind. I am angry and tired of fighting I am so sick of being who I am and having these damn issues I just want to live my life the way I am doing everything I can for myself and my family but without all of the Mental strain that comes with it. Not being able to smile or laugh with out forcing myself to do so is no way to live and instead of me sitting here and bitching about how I want things but do nothing about it I am truly doing everything I possibly can to make positive changes just feels I keep getting knocked down over and over I get up and make a change I strive for the best slam down I go again I get up I make a better change I work hard slam again, this cycle has been my entire life no matter what I do. I see a Psychologist and Psychiatrist I take my prescribed medication as direction I use positive coping strategies I am doing what I am supposed to but just keep getting slammed to the ground, my fear is that eventually I will stop getting up and I will just stay down. I am heading towards turning 36 years of age I do not know how much longer I can keep getting up I do not know how much fight I have left in me the fear of the unknown is what drives me to keep getting up but one day I am afraid I will stop caring about the unknown and make it a self fulfilling prophecy by self destructing. Something that I fear and defiantly do not want to happen so I will fight and fight and just have HOPE that one day I wont keep slammed to the ground so hard.
As I am approaching one year and six months of recovery I find myself doing a lot of reflecting on where I was to where I am. I find myself doing this reflection because I need to keep my eye on the prize, I started a new career in a field I really wanted to get into and after three weeks of being there I was let go. They said I was not where they wanted me to be they knew I was new to the field but I did everything to learn it, I was always 15 to 20 minutes early to the site everyday I did what was asked. I am baffled by this and find myself getting caught up in the negative thought cycle. This is the second job now since I got sober in my new career path that I was let go from the first being a totally different filed and to be honest it was not something I saw myself doing for a long time, just tried it out so I made peace with it. My thing is I have busted my ass to remain in a positive recovery and healing for my life and just keep getting kicked in the balls.It is exhausting to continuously remind myself that I am worth it and I am someone, it is tiring to keep combating the negative feelings that flood my mind and soul. I can only fight so much before my body just gives out and that is my biggest fear. My only goal is to provide for my family and to get us into to our own house just live a happy life with my kids and wife. It feels like I am not supposed to live happy because every time something starts going well and the light is bright at the end of the tunnel the path is clear something comes and clutters the path with debris and blocks the light from coming in. So I have to dig and fight and knock down all the shit in my way. I have to remind myself about how much I have cleared out of my way already and to be honest it just makes me exhausted and more angry. Why the fuck do I have to fight so damn hard and is it really worth it? Why do I have to be put to the limit every turn, I get that life is a bitch and has it challenges and at times we get pushed to the brink. Why does it feel like I am getting pushed to the brink every second? These are the questions that go through my head on a daily basis and I have to find positive answers for them ALL the time. Honestly I am getting pretty sick of it just becoming to tiring. Something happen to me that has not happen in a long time on the day I got let go from the job, as I was driving home the thought of “Fuck it, I am going to the bar” came in my head and it was strong I mean Hulk strong I had a pocket full of cash and a mind felt with sadness, shame and loneliness. The is a recipe for disaster but somehow I manage to tell those thoughts to take a hike and I just kept driving then I was home. The crazy thing is that I do not want to drink I know that will not solve anything and I knew if I pissed away the time and all the bullshit I had to gt through to get this far it would literally kill me. I have fear about a relapse because I KNOW I will die if it happens, I know my mind well enough to know that if I pissed away all this shit I worked for that I would jump into the Mississippi River and that is something I not only fear but truly believe. Which for me is a good thing because as long as I believe that and fear it when those days come to where I want to through it away I have that to keep me on the path, let me tell you there is nothing more powerful then facing death and walking away since I have done that my fear of death is so strong that it keeps me doing the things I need to. All of this is great and I have Technics and tools to keep me moving , however still does not answer the big questions of why am I getting kicked in the balls every time things to be heading in the right direction. Something I will never know the answer to and there are many theories as to why, right now I am going to be pissed and hurt I wont let it ruin me but I am going to give myself permission to feel. Feeling an emotion means I care about my life and being so broken when things fail means I care about succeeding either way I am sick of riding this horrible cycle and wish that one day I can get off this fucking wicked ride. I try so hard not to have regrets or anger towards my past but it is hard not to blame my past for my future when it was the events of my past that caused the pain of my future, I know and have HOPE that one day Iw ill look back on these blogs and say to myself “HA I remember that wow crazy to think where I was” being in a better place mentally than where I am today. I am going to keep breaking down walls and tear up anything in my way that try to stop me from my dreams and goals for life after all my biggest weapon I have is KNOWING that is half the battle the power of belief and knowledge is the strength that I need to keep moving forward.
Addiction in America is on the rise and more and more people are dying and suffering from this disease. The silent killer of Addiction does not just kill the person who is the addict it is killing the people who love the addict as well. I have spoken from the addict point of view since the beginning but I also want to express that my mission is not just towards helping the addict but the family and loved ones of the addict as well. See I have lived in both pairs of shoes coming from a long line of addicts I have seen first hand what damage can come from watching a loved one suffer from this diereses. I lost my mother almost 3 years ago to Cirrhosis of the Liver and up to the day my mother got so sick to when was not able to function or speak she denied the fact that her Alcoholism was the cause of her death sentence, that was the most frustrating and painful thing I have lived knowing that my mother was going to die way before her time and the cause was because of a another disease, her Alcoholism was so bad that she remained in denial to the very end I even suspected many times she was still sneaking and drinking when she was not supposed to because of the signs and now looking back on it from a clear perspective I truly believe that was correct in these feelings. What brings this blog idea is that I just recently had a close friend send me a letter to Addiction from the side of a loved one she posted it on my HnA Facebook page but I am going to share it on here because I truly feel this is the best explanation and heartfelt plied from a loved one of an Addict.I asked her if I can share this as I feel that everyone needs to hear what it is like from both sides of this disease. This disease is an equal opportunity destroyer it does not care what race, sex, age or how much money you make, no one is exempt from this disease and anyone and everyone is effected by it in so many ways. Here is the letter to Addiction written by an anonymous friend, this moved me THANK YOU for your courage in expressing your feelings I know this was not easy but it will help others.
Let me explain what you’ve done to me. I personally only experience you in nicotine. But you have made your way to me in different forms through different people. You take over. As if you control every being, including myself. Do you know how many times I have been told I’m the one that needs help, I’m crazy, I don’t know what I’m talking about, I’m a frigid bitch, I should go to counseling. All because of you. Some people have physical violence from you. I myself have had verbal. More than I care to admit. Because apparently you aren’t the problem, but I am. Responsibilities don’t matter to you or how you make people feel. Lies are ok…like going to a store for pop and returning 2 hours later, like I don’t know. Or telling me over and over with promises of love that you are going to chill out and that the alcohol is out of hand and I’m right. Lies. A small comfort for a few days just to keep my ‘crazy’ mouth quiet. You aren’t just a black shadow to them, but also to me. You follow everyone. And knowing that means I can’t ever relax and am constantly on edge. Because I’ll never know when you are going to show up? What’s going to happen? How can I defend myself against you when you are here because you don’t listen? And sometimes I even catch myself making excuses for you bc it’s not that bad…..right? But it is. Mr Addiction, you live in the pit of my stomach every day. You have for a long time in different ways. But I always feel the same. Down. Alone. Crazy. Weak over the power you hold. I’d like to beat you down, if I could. But I can’t. You aren’t my battle. I know I’m stronger than you are and i wouldn’t let you control me. You prey on people…do you know that? Because you make people think the bad stuff goes away with you. But it doesn’t. It gets worse. Everything that you are around gets worse. You are a nightmare and addicts think you are a dream. I will say out loud that I hate you and everything that comes along with you. The fighting, the hate AND the resentment you cause. But most of all, the hurt. The pain that an addict doesn’t understand, but the other side of an addict does. Me. I’m the other side. I see you rip apart lives, events, birthdays, ruin memories, togetherness, and most of all love. Each one more worse than the last. But I know you don’t care. You don’t see what you do. Or how it picks away at the person I am because you are so defeating. You have ruined parts of me, but I won’t go into that. Why bother? You are the one battle I won’t ever win. But that’s not on me. That’s on the people you live inside of. So, at 35 years old I ask….do I want to fight you the rest of my life? I know I can’t. I’m tired. You’ve exhausted me. And more than that, you’ve exhausted and changed a person I love a lot. Myself.
My entire life or at least most of it which I remember I have heard ” I worked all day today, I deserve to have a few beers” “I cut the grass I deserve to have a few drinks” ” I just have a few so I can unwind” Well the problem with this is that no one should as they deserve to have a drink. It just baffles my mind on how simple it is to figure out if a person has a problem with Alcohol or not. You can go online to google and type in Alcohol addiction and it will give you a site that has a quiz, to tell you whether or not you have a co dependency issue with drugs or alcohol. OK as if the person on the other end is going to be %100 honest with this “quiz” or “questionnaire” I can tell you right now just for fun I took a few of these and it was a joke. Going back to my long drinking career if you were to ask me how much I drank in a week I would have said like a 6 pack which in reality was a 6 pack a night or more. The funny thing is that addicts are liars but not always on purpose I would actually believe that was how much I drank. My wife would ask me how many beers did I have, my famous line was “I have no idea I do not keep track” because I was either afraid if she knew I had 14 she would be mad, or I did not want to get cut off or get into an argument (which always happen because I was an asshole when I got drunk) I knew exactly how much I drank in a sitting most of the time. Now i did say there are times when I would believe my number was smaller only because of denial that I had a problem.So going back to this online questionnaire FORGET it this is a fool proof way to figure out if you or someone has a drinking problem. When they feel that they are entitled to have a beer or beers or drinks because of something they did, whether a stressful day at work, mowing the lawn or just waking up in the morning. Then that is a sure sign of an Alcohol problem or the start of one, but rest assured that it is a problem that will soon turn into a fucking nightmare. If you were to talk to me or my wife me being the Alcoholic and my wife being what we call “the normy” you would find our logic to be very different this goes for anyone who is a “normy” you will never hear them say “I deserve to” only addicts feel entitled to the chemical they are addicted to. It is a vice grip on the mind and until I got sober I never knew how ridiculous my way of thinking was like holy shit I actually believe this crap. The other famous excuses I hear a lot is that Doctors say a glass of red wine if good for you, yes, in MODERATION which is a word that does not exist in the mind of an addict and it is 1 glass not a damn bottle, yes I have actually watched people and did it myself drank a bottle of wine and actually thought it was good for my red blood cells. Well we need to eat in order to maintain a healthy life but over eating can cause obesity which can cause health problems, same rules apply except we can live just fine without alcohol I do it everyday. The problem with our culture is that a little is never enough we always need to gorge ourselves to the brink of insanity in everything. The cost is the millions of lives that are lost to this obsession with over stimulation, we find ourselves so overloaded by life that we feel we need chemicals to calm us down, which is not the case understanding that life is going to bring many different types of stresses and is going to demand a lot from us physically and mentally will help us all understand that we can control how much of this we want to absorb and effects us.I speak from personal experience you take away the booze and drugs then half the stress goes with it, sure I have many areas of my life that seem unmanageable at times but I have found better ways to deal, for example I blog, I work with others in their fights I have me time which may involve me sitting in a room in the dark with headphones just reflecting on a stressful situation. The difference now a days is that I feel privileged and not entitled I do not feel as if the world owes me a cold beer because I put my shoes on today, Life is a choice you can choose the choice you want and how you want to live. Get help if you need it stop living in a hell stop suffering there is a better way and a better more enjoyable life I PROMISE this and I stand bye it HELP HOPE HEAL.
My story is one that needed to be told, as I have battled a lot in my 35 years a life. With the loss of loved ones, my mental illness, my addictions. Yet I am still fighting forward, I was asked a question by a person in the group I was speaking to. The person came up to me after and asked me “How the hell did you keep going, how did you find make it through all of that shit?” My response was easy Belief in myself and Hope that one day I would be in a place where I would no longer have to battle and fight as hard to live and that I would truly find happiness in my heart and not have to force myself to feel it. At first this person looked at me with a shocked look then said “Wow that seems so simple, how do you do that?” the answer to that is not something I can tell anyone but more of a you need to find it in your heart for yourself, find the little things in your own life that really make you feel happy and hang on to those as tightly never let go no matter how hard things get. See for me I have my wife and kids and family, but one thing that I use to my advantage is my compassion towards others. It is all about finding things that bring you joy this past 16 months of recovery has not been roses and unicorns but I can honestly say that a shift happen over the course of the last few weeks and I truly feel joy, I no longer at this time feel anger in my heart, no sadness no more grief I feel peace.Another tip I gave this person is the same goes for when things are going super awesome always keep in your mind that there will be days that seem hard but holding on to the positive feelings will make you stronger in these moments. I do not dwell on the fact or anticipate that I will have a bad day but I know how my disease work and as I have said a lot in my blogs I will never stop respecting them. If I can keep the respect and the ability to stay mindful about my life then I will have a chance at becoming a person who can manage these diseases with more of a comfort level. I believe in myself and I have Hope that my future will be filled with happiness because I want it so I will do anything to make it happen, I am sick of being sick I am tired of being in fun situations and feeling like I do not belong or that people do not like. My goal a few months ago was to be happy %70 of the time, I can honestly say these past few weeks I have been happy and truly happy %90 of the time I over shot my goal. I knew if I set a reasonable goal for myself then I would fight to surpass it.will I always everyday of my life feel this? Well no because life is unpredictable however if I can keep that goal in my mind and the high respect I have for my disease then I just may be able to get past though life situations with more of a comfort and ease. I saw it all the time because it works HOPE it is all about HOPE in yourself it truly does work as long as you can believe it in your heart. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has issues but no more people need to suffer we can all can HELP HOPE HEAL.