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Riding the cycle of misery

As I am approaching one year and six months of recovery I find myself doing a lot of reflecting on where I was to where I am. I find myself doing this reflection because I need to keep my eye on the prize, I started a new career in a field I really wanted to get into and after three weeks of being there I was let go. They said I was not where they wanted me to be they knew I was new to the field but I did everything to learn it, I was always 15 to 20 minutes early to the site everyday I did what was asked. I am baffled by this and find myself getting caught up in the negative thought cycle. This is the second job now since I got sober in my new career path that I was let go from the first being a totally different filed and to be honest it was not something I saw myself doing for a long time, just tried it out so I made peace with it. My thing is I have busted my ass to remain in a positive recovery and healing for my life and just keep getting kicked in the balls.It is exhausting to continuously remind myself that I am worth it and I am someone, it is tiring to keep combating the negative feelings that flood my mind and soul. I can only fight so much before my body just gives out and that is my biggest fear. My only goal is to provide for my family and to get us into to our own house just live a happy life with my kids and wife. It feels like I am not supposed to live happy because every time something starts going well and the light is bright at the end of the tunnel the path is clear something comes and clutters the path with debris and blocks the light from coming in. So I have to dig and fight and knock down all the shit in my way. I have to remind myself about how much I have cleared out of my way already and to be honest it just makes me exhausted and more angry. Why the fuck do I have to fight so damn hard and is it really worth it? Why do I have to be put to the limit every turn, I get that life is a bitch and has it challenges and at times we get pushed to the brink. Why does it feel like I am getting pushed to the brink every second? These are the questions that go through my head on a daily basis and I have to find positive answers for them ALL the time. Honestly I am getting pretty sick of it just becoming to tiring. Something happen to me that has not happen in a long time on the day I got let go from the job, as I was driving home the thought of “Fuck it, I am going to the bar” came in my head and it was strong I mean Hulk strong I had a pocket full of cash and a mind felt with sadness, shame and loneliness. The is a recipe for disaster but somehow I manage to tell those thoughts to take a hike and I just kept driving then I was home. The crazy thing is that I do not want to drink I know that will not solve anything and I knew if I pissed away the time and all the bullshit I had to gt through to get this far it would literally kill me. I have fear about a relapse because I KNOW I will die if it happens, I know my mind well enough to know that if I pissed away all this shit I worked for that I would jump into the Mississippi River and that is something I not only fear but truly believe. Which for me is a good thing because as long as I believe that and fear it when those days come to where I want to through it away I have that to keep me on the path, let me tell you there is nothing more powerful then facing death and walking away since I have done that my fear of death is so strong that it keeps me doing the things I need to. All of this is great and I have Technics and tools to keep me moving , however still does not answer the big questions of why am I getting kicked in the balls every time things to be heading in the right direction. Something I will never know the answer to and there are many theories as to why, right now I am going to be pissed and hurt I wont let it ruin me but I am going to give myself permission to feel. Feeling an emotion means I care about my life and being so broken when things fail means I care about succeeding either way I am sick of riding this horrible cycle and wish that one day I can get off this fucking wicked ride. I try so hard not to have regrets or anger towards my past but it is hard not to blame my past for my future when it was the events of my past that caused the pain of my future, I know and have HOPE that one day Iw ill look back on these blogs and say to myself “HA I remember that wow crazy to think where I was” being in a better place mentally than where I am today. I am going to keep breaking down walls and tear up anything in my way that try to stop me from my dreams and goals for life after all my biggest weapon I have is KNOWING that is half the battle the power of belief and knowledge is the strength that I need to keep moving forward.

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