Today is a day that I just want to be angry I am feeling very overwhelmed and frustrated with my life. From the outside some would look at me and ask what the hell to I have to be upset about my life for, I have a wonderful wife who is beyond supportive of me and three beautiful kids. Well to be honest that is all great I am proud of my children and beyond blessed to be married to my best friend, the feelings of frustration lie much deeper than that. In fact my anger goes back to my childhood from the second I was able to understand how life is supposed to work. See I always had a vision for my future and what I expected out of life but I did a great job fucking that up through the years. I envisioned having a family with a nice home and working a job enough job to be able to support my family, I take pride in my work ethics as I work very hard to ensure I have high standards for myself. The problem is I have the family I always saw myself having I just do not have anything else I do not feel as I can provide for my family as I am trying my ass off to do so, I just keep getting knocked down over and over again. Being an Alcoholic with pretty significant Mental Illnesses was not apart of my plan, then again it is not apart of anyone’s plan when they are younger. I know my past is 20/20 and wishing I could go back and punch my 12 year old self in the face before I took that first sip of SOCO does not change anything and will in turn just piss me off more. I have accepted who I am as a person but that does not mean I am not still super angry about it, with my Mental state being is a good place these last few weeks I thought I was finally getting to thew point to where the fight would not seem so hard, I would not have to fight my ass off from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed, fighting all of the negative feelings that I am a worthless piece of shit that should have never survived my suicide attempt. After taking another blow to the gut with being let go from yet another career adventure just makes the fight that much more harder, there are days where I look at my kids and feel so sad for them that they have me for a father, I mean this in the sense that I feel like I do nothing for them. Sure I play with them teach them life skills I am patent with them, I even coach my oldest tee ball team, I am very involved in their lives. I feel as I am not good enough to be in their lives and the same for my wife I feel I fucked her life up she is such a beautiful person with a big heart that she does not deserve all the shit I put her through. For her to constitutionally worry about me and my Mental state or my overall well being is not fair to her. I know I can not change how she will feel she has a big heart and truly cares I just wish sometimes I did not exist and that people would be much better off if I was not here to fuck their lives up. I do everything I can in my everyday life to fight these thoughts and to do little things in my day to make me feel worth it, I do a ton of work around my mothers in home fixing it up for her because she is also an amazing person and I want to be valued in my own eyes. Which I am afraid I do not feel that today I am taking a huge Mental hit today and am just mad at myself for the decisions I have made in my life, I open up some bills and did the math and it is so overwhelming that I do not know what the hell I am going to do does not mean I will stop trying but I am getting to the point to where I feel so stuck and have no way out. Every time a glimpse of Hope comes it gets taken away just like that we started getting to the point to where we can get back on our feet an put of no where I get let go, now I am back unemployed looking for yet another job not knowing what to do. Today I am mad I am angry at not only myself but at life, I know it is unfair at times but why the hell am I always being push to the brink? Why can I not just breathe with out gasping for air every few minutes? Why ? just Why? in no way I feel as I should have this amazing no stress life that is ridicules to want but I would like to wake up go about my day with a smile on my face and knowing in my heart that what ever happens I can get through it with more of an ease,, not in the detrimental way it has been happening to me. My entire life since I could remember I have never felt true happiness in fact the last three weeks when I started my new career my wife even told me she has never in the 15 years we have been together seen more in a happy mood that my Mental Health was in such a great place. Truth of that is that I can not recall a time in my life where I was truly happy for that long of a time. I think me wanting to live a full happy life is not to much to want I am not asking to be a filthy rich person with no issues, I just want to find who I am and be happy with that. For so many years the thoughts of not wanting to be on earth anymore has haunted me when I sleep and awake I can not escape it and now that I am sober I really can not escape these feelings, angry that I am an Alcoholic with such a broken mind. I am angry and tired of fighting I am so sick of being who I am and having these damn issues I just want to live my life the way I am doing everything I can for myself and my family but without all of the Mental strain that comes with it. Not being able to smile or laugh with out forcing myself to do so is no way to live and instead of me sitting here and bitching about how I want things but do nothing about it I am truly doing everything I possibly can to make positive changes just feels I keep getting knocked down over and over I get up and make a change I strive for the best slam down I go again I get up I make a better change I work hard slam again, this cycle has been my entire life no matter what I do. I see a Psychologist and Psychiatrist I take my prescribed medication as direction I use positive coping strategies I am doing what I am supposed to but just keep getting slammed to the ground, my fear is that eventually I will stop getting up and I will just stay down. I am heading towards turning 36 years of age I do not know how much longer I can keep getting up I do not know how much fight I have left in me the fear of the unknown is what drives me to keep getting up but one day I am afraid I will stop caring about the unknown and make it a self fulfilling prophecy by self destructing. Something that I fear and defiantly do not want to happen so I will fight and fight and just have HOPE that one day I wont keep slammed to the ground so hard.