I know I am not the only person in the world who is constantly evaluating life and the events surrounding life. The truth is I am always trying to find things I can do to improve my quality of life or just to find pure happiness. For me this tends to become dangerous because instead of finding the value of what I do have I am always trying to find something better, the chase for more happiness that just seems to be on an endless trap. With the way the world is going with more and more mass deaths, the threat of terrorism increasing and the overall violence that has just taken a dark turn in the last few years. It is so hard for a person with my issues not to become overly paranoid about everything to the point of feeling like I am stuck in a room with no windows.From the constant feeling of needing to provide better and more for my family to the overwhelming fear that something is going to happen to them. I can not control the shit that happens in life but I have this uncontrollable feeling and pounding in my head that I have to keep my kids and wife close to me. I know these are two totally different feelings but are all relative to me how my mind works, let me explain in more detail. I feel the need to provide for my family as anyone does but I tend to go beyond my wife and I are going to be looking into buying a home within the next year or so, well I already have measures in place and in my mind of what I want as far as security. I have been researching camera systems , re-enforced front and back doors, alarms door locks. The crazy thing is I do not even have a house and I have already pre planned this and priced it out, now some will say that is being paranoid I look at it as I am being pro active. The truth and point is I could care less what people think or say now a days I am not in my yard with a tin foil hat but I am sure as hell going to take every single precaution to protect my family from being another statistic. So is it really being paranoid or crazy in this day and age? I do not believe it is the problem is with my PTSD my mind tends to panic my entire nervous system to where it paralyzes me and cause so much panic I go into a fear stricken mind fuck. Which I have steps for this the cold hard truth is no matter what happens in the world I know I can only do what I can for my family, I am that overly protective dad who damn near cradles my kids in a parking lot.
As i mention I am not the only person and the scary thought and truth is about %90 of people who are addicts feel the same way, how do you combat fear well you numb it out. The fear of the world stems from life experiences that happen. Fear always comes from somewhere and as time goes on without the proper processing of these situations then that small fear turns bigger and bigger, for me I never used to be claustrophobic in fact it started out small, I can not ride in the back seat of a car I used to feel uncomfortable then that grew into I would have to distract myself from being sick to my stomach. Today I freak I feel like I am suffocating and I can not breathe which makes a 10 minute an absolute nightmare. I personally believe it is because I am now sober and working through a lot of shit I never delt with so all these feelings I have now and the side effects I am experiencing is because I never had to deal with them before I numb the shit out of them. This for me can be a catch 22 as I need to deal with this so I can heal but the Alcoholic in me sometimes wants to escape from it because it gets crushing and hard to deal. I have a lot of things that I never noticed before or have issues with before that now I do, I can not go on rides anymore I get super ill. Weird stuff and with that I can just avoid going on rides, except I have small kids and they need me sometimes to go with them so I do. Facing my fear to a point but what if facing it actually makes it worse? Well these are the things that appear to be happening the more I face the more I fear and the worse I feel, the more I want to go on a booze vacation from the world I just want to run from the world as some days it gets so big and scary I am not sure how to get past it. Amazingly I do then it repeats I know as these events happen I get stronger I just do not realize it at the time. Since my recovery has begun I have done a ton of self reflecting so I am fully aware of what feeling I am having and when and sometimes I can pin point why. The ore I understand about me and my issues the more I can battle them when this world takes a dark turn, I also try not to watch the news and stay away from high stress situations if I can. Small steps to ensure I can do what I need to remain sane enough to be able to protect my family when I need to.