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What really goes on in my head

Have you ever felt like you could not breath? like someone is standing on your chest, a boot on your throat. These are some of the feelings I experience on a daily basis. I get overwhelmed with a feeling that I am all alone and that the people around do not want me around anymore, or that everyone thinks ill things of me. Now I am sure everyone has heard the “Don’t listen to anyone” “Who cares what people think” or the famous line that is a previous blog of mine “Its all in your head” I know that everyone means well by these phrases but the truth is it is not that easy in fact it is damn near impossible to do any of the above advise. My entire life I have based my actions on what people may think of me which in turn made me be the kind loving person I am today but also in that same sense made me overly paranoid on what people are thinking of me. I have never felt like I belonged in any group, or apart of society. I have always felt as I am the worst person to have ever been born. I have always believed that anyone who was kind to me or nice to me was just pretending because they either felt sorry for me for being such a looser or that they wanted something from me. Which mostly steams from my childhood of people who I thought were friends but ended up stealing a ton from  me and my family, or jumping me in the alley and shoving a revolver in my face telling me I better not ever show my face in the neighborhood again .Which to me it is what it is and I am for the most part over that. The underlined feeling of trust however is a hard concept for me, I really only truly trust a handful of people  and am working on  more. See it is difficult for me to believe anyone could ever like me for who I am let alone love me, I am in constant fear that I am going to loose the people I love and trust, being is that I already lost a few due to untimely deaths.

Since I have been in therapy for so long they have adjusted my diagnosis a few times given the depth of my past I am actually opening up about. The theory behind my PTSD actually started from my childhood and after my father died just shoot it up and added to it. See I have this horrible habit of hiding my feelings and not talking about anything in my life. Its like the house analogy I said in previous blogs. When you walk by a house and the windows are open you can see inside but you really only see small amounts of the house, that is my life I only open the windows to the areas I want people to see, and for the longest time I would actually control the amount I would let people see. I gave the illusion that people were getting to know me but the truth is they had no idea. Sure I would be open  on  certain things but never gave the dark details of the amount of suffering I truly experience. The lonesomeness I would feel was so much to bear I would live deep inside this dark cozy hole I made myself home in. This went on for nearly 25 years and when I took that first sip of that sweet poison at the age of 12 I found a way to live in that hole I found a way to temperately fill those voids I have felt for so long. Drugs and Alcohol became a part of who I was deep down the part of me know one really knew, sure they have been may times people would question if I had a problem but by me being the adaptive person I was I was able to fix that and control it to a point. I became a home drinker and when I would talk about it I always made it seem normal.

edge  fo cliffNow that I am sober and have been for 1 year 5 months and 1 day I have had to revamp my thinking I had to find a new way to fill the void for for good with cement not just a liquid that would eventually evaporate into nothing. I had to figure out what I truly wanted for me and how to get it. Now in this time I have been let go form two jobs that truthfully I did nothing wrong. I showed up on time everyday, never missed the problem was I was not where they wanted me to be. I worked with Adults with Disabilities for 14 years that was all I knew so trying to reinvent myself has become a challenge. I landed on a career and the last job was in that field it was not a good company as they never gave me a chance, gave up on me after 2 and half weeks. I took a huge hit in the Mental department on that one, I felt as what the hell am I doing wrong I actually have 2 jobs and I am trying everything I can to improve my life but also for the sake of my wife and kids. We are currently living in my mother in-laws house and have been for the last 4 years. I am extremely grateful for her and the sacrifice she has made to open her home to us, but I am literally doing everything to get us out on our own. I know I made many mistakes in my life but I do not have the time or energy to waste on a regret. I have goals for myself and my family, and even though I took a Mental hit on the last job I really want that career so I got a new job in that same field and they are going to pay for me to get my Journeyman I refuse to stay down I am so sick of getting knocked down but I am also sick of laying there and feeling like the entire world hates me and is siting on me waiting for me to fail and die. I no longer wish to have a house, a career or a happy life, I am going to have these things it will happen I know what I have to do exactly to the penny to get us where we need to get where we want.To this day I have these crushing feelings and I still feel as I do not belong, the truth is no matter what I will always have me and that is the person I needed to learn to trust. It will take a lot more work but eventually I will be able to breath without any constraints. My secret to this is I believe in HOPE and I respect my illnesses and diseases and I have the same goal every single day I say to myself when I wake up. “Tonight I will go to bed sober”  I keep it simple for me I have found some things to fill the emptiness I feel by positive phrases and goals. Who knows just maybe I will get to know the real me…

 

 

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2 Comments

  1. Alice says:

    You are an inspiration, and are helping so many people. I am so, so, so proud of you. God Bless you.

    Like

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